omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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