i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
