you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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