there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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