I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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