All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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