to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
