Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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