A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize