is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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