I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
