i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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