I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
