Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
