from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
