she woke up with a sticky ear
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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