at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
