What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
