Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
