Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
