Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
