On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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