Pappa wants mamma naked
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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