It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize