im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize