dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
