swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
