So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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