We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
