We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
