people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
