What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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