im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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