In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
