I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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