i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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