dude i'm inner monologue high
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
