I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
