I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
