I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
