i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
