ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
