i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize