My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
