he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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