I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize