All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize