He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
