I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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