the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
