do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
