everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
