yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
