Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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