from now on my penis is your penis
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
