At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
