This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
